Optimism, Thou Art a Heartless Bitch

Yeah, so lately I've been trying to work on my whole pledge to work on my optimism, but I must say it's very difficult. I have been trying however, I even tried to kill to birds with one stone by trying to keep optimistic and being more social.

I'm part of this "club," it's not really a club just a group of 50 people selected every year for a scholarship. We were told that if were staying in school during the break we could all meet up at 2 p.m. and we can all go to the grocery store together, since many of us didn't know where it was. I tried to keep positive, albeit it didn't work. I also almost didn't go because I didn't want to be around a group of people I didn't know. Note: While I have been in this club for almost a year I've only spoken to 1 person in this club, because she spoke to me first in Calculus class. But in the end I went. I decided to go early and by that I mean 1:40 and waited on a bench. During that time I kept thinking "maybe no one will show" and then thought "no they'll show, they didn't send an email for nothing." Long story short by 2:10 p.m. no one was there and I quit. It pissed me off that they said 2 and then no one was there at that time. I didn't even care if they were late. I walked away really angry.

I started off with this small story only to go to a much much longer and worse one. It's kinda depressing so look away now if you are happy and don't want to be brought down.

This story concerns my little sister, she's 16. For months now her grades have been slipping and she's been doing nothing but sleeping all day. No one new what was wrong with her and soon they thought she had depression. Partly because of me leaving for college and partly because my dad has to travel back and forth from a different state for work. That was a low blow for me, but in this instance I decide to think positive. That soon she will be better. Then it turned out that her vision had gone bad. Which was strange because she's had great vision for 16 years, but then I thought it's okay she'll just have glasses now.

Then recently they took her in for some testing and found a tumor between her eyes. Things just seemed to be getting worse. It seemed to surreal. No one in my family had ever gotten cancer. What the hell was going on. I decided to put it out of my mind though because if I thought about it I'd probably be coming up with worst case scenarios, though I did breakdown at night and cried myself to sleep. They were only able to get 20% and would have to get the rest out with chemo. The doctors then found other problems with her dealing with her pituitary and the fact that she didn't have enough testosterone. Again things got worse and worse. The only thing that made me hopeful is calls from my aunt and mom telling me that my sister was actually in good spirits.

I spoke to her Saturday they had begun chemotherapy and she seemed fine. She didn't talk much, but she usually never did. So I went on about tv shows and how I was hungry and wanted a bagel. Sunday came and I spoke to my mom, my sister was still in bed at the hospital that she had been sleeping all day and wasn't hungry.

And then it was Monday. I called my dad, I was in unusually high spirits and then he told me the news. My sister had apparently fallen from her hospital bed and had a seizure, at least I think that's what it was. She wouldn't wake up after that. My mom got a phone call at 1 a.m. telling her to go to the hospital. Yesterday evening was the first time I spoke with my dad and I learned that she's semi-comatose, opening her eyes but not responding. The doctors said it had something to do with her having had low sodium levels, but they were the ones who gave her medication in the first place because they thought her sodium was too high. I don't even have the courage to call my mom whose in the hospital with her right now because I know my mom will just completely breakdown and that's the last thing I want.

I do go to bed at night and then all these thoughts about my little sister run through it, but I have made myself say "she'll wake up. she'll wake up, she'll wake up....." I'm hoping that this positivity does translate into reality.